PASSION: A strong & barely controllable emotion
For most of my life I have struggled with knowing what my passion is. I tried finding it in shunning God, drinking, relationships, and relying on others to make me feel better. Each time, I found temporary happiness for a minuscule amount of time before I needed to find my next fix. Eventually I became less dramatic and tried finding it in the sunsets, long drives, listening to music, and then in time I found my way back to God. I don’t even think I knew that I was searching for anything, but as I got older I became aware of the fact that passion was always something missing in my stages of life. At least, REAL passion. The kind where you wake up in the morning excited for life because you know exactly what your purpose on this earth is. I think I felt that if I was the one making all the decisions, without the counsel of the Lord, I would make my life more significant. Isn’t it funny how we try so hard to control everything in our life that the moment we learn to let go of control is the moment we find what we are looking for?When I was growing up, I was convinced God didn’t love or care about me because of all the hormones pumping through my system. Those hormones caused emotional outbursts of selfishness…you know the, “why me’s”. Thankfully, no matter how much I tried to push God out of my life, He was always waiting with open arms for me to come back. I could never deserve the amount of grace that God gives me on a daily basis, and I will never be able to thank Him enough. But because God’s nature is only GOOD, He cannot give up on me, It’s not in His nature. His nature is pure, holy, and perfect. He knows me better than I know myself, and waits on me for when I am ready to hear from Him. He’s the most patient, loving, kind Father. So when I came back to him, it was no surprise that my life finally had a reason or a passion for living again.
Even though the Lord has given my life meaning, I still struggle with what we would classify as my passion. I see so many people changing the world, in big and small ways, and I sometimes wonder if I will ever be as inspiring and world changing as they are. I started to struggle even more so a few months into becoming a mother. I have had the privilege of being a stay at home mama & with that comes a lot of diapers, messes, crying, whining, laughing, dancing, singing, playgrounds, swinging, struggling with nap time, not being able to pee or poo alone, showering while also entertaining a baby/toddler, being touched all day, not getting any alone time, having only a handful of a full nights sleep, and the most extravagant, overwhelming love I have ever felt for a human being. My daughter has become my whole world. I’ll forever be grateful for the blessing of children. God knew what He was doing when He bonded the mother and the baby in the womb. But even with all of that love, adoration, and chaos, I have struggled with feeling like I have a passion. You know for some people it’s sports, for others it’s people, for other’s its reading, or gaming, or technology, or anything else that resonates with you. But for me, I have had those days of, “I live such a mundane life. How am I impacting the world? Do I even make a difference? Will I ever be able to do what I want to do again? When will I get time to myself so I can pursue my dreams?” …again selfish thoughts, but legit. I believe that it’s okay to be a little selfish. How do you learn to love yourself or find your self-worth if you’re not at least a little bit selfish?The wonderful thing is that God has gifted each of us with some or a lot of qualities that can be used as our passion. Sometimes we find it. Sometimes we don’t. But in the midst of it all, we can still live passionate lives. A few days ago, I was in one of those showering moments where I had snacks, water, pillows, a blanket, a babydoll, and a tablet on the bathroom floor all set up for distracting Serenity while I quickly rinsed off. During those 15 minutes, I had about a 2 minute span of time where Serenity wasn’t opening and closing the shower door, and I was able to talk to God. With Serenity’s tablet noise in the background, playing Daniel Tiger, I asked God why I haven’t found my passion and how I can. Immediately I heard His still small voice say, “You know your passion. You keep running away from it. Until you are ready to pursue it, live your life with passion.” … WHHAAAAAAAAA … MIND. BLOWN. It was one of those moments when you feel so small, yet so ready to become HUGE.
The Lord is right. I know what my passion is but I’ve always shied away from truly pursuing it. But in that moment, after I heard the Lord say that to me, I started thinking of all the situations, moments, and things in my life that I could live with passion until I’m ready to step into the calling I know I was born for. Changing a dirty diaper, cleaning up Serenity’s toys for the 100th time, waking up in the morning, putting her down for nap time, in teaching moments with her, making dinner, buying groceries, running errands, etc. It was like my mind was opened to the reality that life is what we make it. I mean, Duh? Haven’t we heard that over and over again? But now I get it. My life is NOT mundane. Every day is a new opportunity to live with passion. Every day is a new step to a more glorious path. So I’m not totally ready to step into what I’m called on this earth to do yet, big deal…I’m going to CHOOSE to live every day with as much passion as I can. And on the days that I forget, I know the Lord will give me grace.
So I want to encourage you, if you’re feeling like you don’t know what you want to do with your life, or that you can’t figure out what your gifting, talent, or abilities are, or aren’t ready to pursue the very thing you know you should…choose to live every day with passion. Start from there. It can’t hurt you, it can only grow you. I would be willing to bet that along the way you will find exactly what you’re looking for. That’s my goal, and I hope it’s yours too. Let’s live passionately together. Let’s love passionately together. Let’s make the mundane spectacular. It all starts with our mindset. Now let’s go conquer our fear of boring.