Pregnancy Loathing

Hey there ūüôā

I’ve been waiting to be inspired for my first post, and today I finally feel like I have something to say. I’m pregnant, so of course that’s what’s on my mind most of the time. Specially since I’m only 2 days away from my baby girl’s due date!!

So before I go any further, I want to say that this blog is going to have a lot of topics that I’m personally going through. It will be full of opinions, thoughts, feelings, life circumstances, bible verses, and some facts. I apologize ahead of time if some of these opinions and thoughts offend anyone. If that does happen, please know that you don’t have to continue reading, you can always exit the window and carry on with your day.¬†ūüôā

Having said that, I feel like I should address that in this post, I will be expressing my feelings about pregnancy. I want to say ahead of time to the women who have had a hard time getting pregnant, have miscarried, or who haven’t been able to become pregnant, I pray for you regularly. It breaks my heart when women can’t experience that miracle¬†of life…but please know that YOUR experience is a testimony to SO MANY other women who need someone to lean on. Use your story! Tell people how you got through your experience, let the world know. You are an inspiration to SO many women, and they need to know that they have a community they can reach out to. You are beautiful, exceptional, and strong. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different.

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Alrighty, so let’s talk pregnancy, ladies…

Let me just say that I absolutely LOVE my baby girl. I cannot wait to hold her in my arms (and hopefully that comes sooner than later)! I’m so excited to be her mommy, and I pray for her daily. She is my precious miracle. She is the beginning of a whole new, exciting adventure of this amazing life the Lord has blessed me with! I’ve done my best to take lots of belly photos, document little moments like her first movements that I felt, her first hiccups in my belly, etc.

Being pregnant on the other hand…ugh.

Let’s rewind to BEFORE being pregnant. All my life, literally since I was a youngin, I dreamed of being a young mom, with 5 children. I wanted to be a stay at home mama. I wanted to get married as soon as possible and get crackin. I owe that dream to my wonderful, gorgeous mama. She is my inspiration to being the best mom I can be. She has taught me how to love, and be loved. She’s my first best friend, and still to this day, I call her anytime I have questions or need advice. I’m 25 and still need her as though I were 5.– anyways, so that was my dream. I met my handsome hubs right after I turned 20, we married when I was 22, and we are now having our first baby after 3 years of marriage. What’s funny is that as soon as we got married it was like a whole new person took over my heart and mind. Suddenly I didn’t want children for a really long time, yet at the same time I would think, “Emerald you need to hurry up and have kids, you’re getting old!” So I was constantly fighting with myself. Long story short, we planned on getting pregnant, and we did. In fact, we didn’t even have to try, it happened SO FAST. I know that’s not everyone’s story, but it was for us. Exciting right?

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Wrong.

Not really…it was exciting that we had begun a new journey. It was exciting that we were blessed to become pregnant so easily. It was exciting that we would be having our first baby in 10 months. We felt very blessed. We still do!

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However, day 1 of week 6 came and suddenly my world became very blurred. I knew that morning sickness was something that happened with most women while pregnant, but I did not expect it to come on so strong. I was sick ALL day, every day for 5 months. Yes. 5 months. Not just sick, but puking. I lost weight, and was miserable. During those 5 months is when I began to realize that I would not be one of those pregnant women that “have that glow”. I mean really…what the heck is a “glow” anyways?

I can’t remember too much of those 5 months because I was so out of it. However, I do remember feeling miserable, not wanting to wake up. I remember feeling so angry because I just wanted to love my baby growing inside me, but instead I felt detached from her. How could this tiny human make me feel so horrible? I remember wanting so bad to just feel connected to her. Maybe if I felt connected to her, I would be happier. I could get through the all day sickness with joy. I struggled so much with feeling thankful that I was given the responsibility to grow life inside my belly, but also being super pissed that I had to grow the life the way I did. And of course everyone always asks you, “how are you feeling?!”, and you don’t want to be like, “Well, I hate being pregnant. How’s your day going?” Can you imagine? LOL…so I played it off as much as I could. Got through it, and FINALLY at 19 weeks (approx 5 months) I started feeling better. Relief swept through my body like a wave of holy goodness. I thought, “From here on out I will LOVE being pregnant. I will have the glow. I will love my baby.”

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And sure, it was amazing feeling her move inside my belly. It was exciting to find out her gender, and to look forward to the next stage of pregnancy, because, let’s be real, it had to be better than puking. So, yeah, it was much better than the first 5 months, totally. But in every book you read, person you talk to, doctor you consult with, they tell you that the 2nd trimester is spectacular. They say that most women feel this euphoria for those 3 months. That didn’t happen to me. I wanted it so bad. Nevertheless,¬†about¬†2 months of my 2nd trimester was taken from me with my ‘morning sickness’. I really wanted to be excited and happy, and I was, to an extent…but I never hit that “euphoric” state. I kept waiting for it to hit me, and it didn’t. I was still just pregnant.

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So the 3rd trimester hit and things got a bit better. I still didn’t have the “glow”, yet everyone said I did. I really just think people say that because you’re supposed too…but hey, I will say that some women just look amazing while pregnant. I, on the other hand felt HUGE. I couldn’t bend over anymore. I couldn’t reach my feet. I couldn’t see my feet. I couldn’t do the things I normally could. I couldn’t stand it! I don’t know about you, but I think it takes A LOT for an independent person to enjoy pregnancy. Your body is literally being taken over by another human. You have no control over how it grows, what effects it, etc. You now have to rely upon other people. It will really kick you in your pride balls. And during those last 3 months you just keep growing and growing until you feel like you’re going to pop. I will say that there was about a month where my emotional state improved. I felt happy again. I felt somewhat connected to baby girl, specially since I could feel her move in my belly. Which by the way…is astonishing to me. There is a BABY in my BELLY. What?! I mean, seriously…what?! A baby. In my belly. Moving. Growing. Alive. So baffling. After that month of emotionally improving, I started feeling super uncomfortable, which is totally normal during the 3rd trimester, but for me, I loathed it.

Nothing crazy happened during my 3rd trimester, but I was still hoping for the connection to my pregnancy to hit me. I will say that I’ve had a handful of moments when it hit me that I have my baby in my belly. Those moments were¬†wonderful! It made¬†me feel like less of a complainer. But those moments were¬†fast and fleeting.

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All of my venting brings us to present day. In 2 days I will be 40 weeks pregnant, which means I’m almost 10 months pregnant. Yes. Woman are pregnant for 10 months, not 9. Which also means I’ve been pregnant for approx 280 days. I’m pretty sure God purposely made women be pregnant for this long because He knew we would need a whole lot of inspiration to go through labor. Because, let me tell ya, I’m ready. At this point I will take labor over being pregnant for another minute. I’m so done. I just want to hold my child. I want my body back. I want to be able to clean my house, walk, sit, and bend over without pulling out my back. I want to be able to grocery shopping without waddling. I want to RUN again. I want to hike again. I want to be able to put my shoes and underwear on without toppling over. I want to do so many things that I took for granted SO much before.

I’ve done pretty well emotionally (at least outwardly)…I’ve kept a happy face, and smile on my face and have only had 2 crying break downs in front of my hubs. I’m pretty proud of myself, specially considering all the emotions that were really going on the whole time. But today I broke down, one last time. One of the things that I felt I had done pretty well with during this pregnancy was my stretch marks. I know it sounds so petty, but up until a month ago, I didn’t get ANY stretch marks. I was very consistent with lathering up with oils and lotion. Well about a month ago I developed stretch marks on either side of my hips. I was bummed, but I thought, “Okay, I can handle those, they aren’t too noticeable”, yet another thing for me to dislike about being pregnant. BUT then about two weeks ago I noticed some discoloring on my lower stomach. I tried to ignore it and just keep lathering on the lotion. Today after getting out of the shower, there was no ignoring those nasty stretch marks on my stomach. I broke down. I totally cried for about 15 minutes. So pathetic. So dumb. So not what I planned on doing today. I honestly don’t even think it’s the stretch marks. I think it’s everything that I’ve been holding in and the stretch marks were the last straw. My poor mother. She called me and soothed me as I choked on my tears.

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Pregnancy has sure kicked me in the butt. I feel like I’m a pretty positive person. I think I’m pretty even-keel when it comes to emotions. And I try my best not to be petty about things like stretch marks, specially when so many other women struggle way more than I did. But sometimes you reach your limit and for whatever reason you need to let yourself be a baby for a little while. That was me today.

I write all of this to say, ladies, if you are pregnant or planning on becoming pregnant and end up hating it, DON’T FEEL BAD! I feel like there is so much pressure on pregnant women to “have that glow” to “love being pregnant”…but let’s be real, dude. First of all, pregnancy is NOT the same for every woman. Second, some of us just aren’t made to love it. We each have our own strengths, gifts, talents, and abilities. Just because you or I can’t stand being pregnant doesn’t mean we don’t love our babies! In fact, we love our babies so much that we are suffering continuously for 10 months! That’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. So this one is for all my pregnancy-loathing-ladies out there. Keep on keeping on! You are brilliant. You are beautiful. You are pissed, but you WILL get through it. You are an amazing mother. You are not less-than the next woman. Your glow is within, and when you finally get to hold your baby, you and I will rejoice together because we know what we went through¬†for them! You can do this!

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XOXOX

Em

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One thought on “Pregnancy Loathing

  1. This was beautiful Em! Every pregnancy is different, Dont ever let how your first was, rule your next pregnancies! My first was amazing, I barely could tell I was prego aside from the obvious belly and alien kicks!! My second, whewww, I was sick for 5 months straight too, all day everyday. I had terrible pains all the time and felt like I huge whale! The minute your baby girl is in your arms, you will forget every day of sickness, every pain you’ve ever had, it will disappear, it won’t matter anymore! I’m so happy for you guys and cannot wait for little miss to make her grand debut! You are going to be an amazing mama (even on the days you feel like you are failing, and it will happen).

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