Let’s get real with each other, k?
We all have insecurities. To say we don’t is a lie. Now I’m not saying we are insecure people. There is a difference between having insecurities and being insecure. If I’m being honest, I believe I’m a pretty confident person for the most part. I mean, I have my days when my confidence is off, but for the most part I’m happy with myself. Having said that, I still struggle with insecurities; the biggest one being FEAR. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making wrong or right decisions. Fear of letting my friends and family down, etc.
I feel like fear is a pretty common insecurity that people struggle with. Am I right? And in today’s society, celebrities, inspirational speakers, business men/women, and specially in the feminist movement there is a lot of focus on ‘finding your inner strength’. I totally agree! But defining that ‘inner strength’ is what I tend to disagree with. I believe our inner strength comes from our TRUST, HOPE, and FAITH in God. He is our inner strength. So, I just want to tell you a quick story about my struggle with fear, and how I found my inner strength by trusting God.
I can’t really remember the exact day or month or even year, but a couple years ago I noticed that I started to really fear losing my family. Specifically Jeff, and when Serenity came into the world, I started to fear losing her as well. It wasn’t just a passing fear, and then it’s gone. You know like, when someone jumps around the corner and you get scared but then it’s over? Not that. It was a fear with depth. To where I felt like my heart was sobbing from the loss without a loss happening. It was an all-consuming, suffocating, constant fear.Jeff travels a good amount for business. I never get used to it. I always miss him. But now that Serenity is alive and well, she occupies my days, so it’s only the nights that are hardest. But before Serenity was here, I noticed that every time Jeff even brought up the idea of leaving for a quick business trip, I would feel panic start to creep in and flood my mind. I would come up with every reason why he shouldn’t go. I would try and convince myself that I was right to say he can’t go. It was so unhealthy. Why did I fear him leaving so much? That wasn’t me. So this fear went on for years…then Serenity was born and I had another life to fear losing. Awesome. Instead of being a healthy, protective, praying wife and mother, I was a scared, fearful, and a sad woman. But God is faithful.
In the beginning of this year, sometime in March, Jeff had another business trip to go on. My first reaction was to say no, but we talked about it and he went. I usually stay with my parents when Jeff leaves because it’s a good time to say hi to my family and I get company 24/7!! Haha…anyways, I was on my way down to my parents house, and as I always do, I was praying for Jeff’s safety while he traveled. I prayed for the pilot’s decision making to be guided by the Lord, and for God to surround Jeff with His angels. That was my typical prayer every time Jeff left on a business trip. Only, I wouldn’t just pray it once, I would feel the need to pray every hour or so to make sure God didn’t forget. I was praying out of a ritual rather than FAITH. I was taking a religious stance in what I thought was faith, but really was fear. I was allowing fear to control me. The Bible says, “There is NO FEAR in Love, but PERFECT LOVE (Jesus) casts out ALL fear…”- 1 John 4:18
So as I was praying, I was listening to worship music because that’s what I do. Well, my prayers turned into more of a conversation with God…more of questioning God. These were my questions: God, why am I so afraid that Jeff is going to die? Why haven’t you taken my fear away? I’ve prayed so many times. Do you care? Are you warning me to pray by giving me fear? No…Perfect Love casts out all fear…so WHY AM I SO AFRAID!? Right as I asked that last question, basically blaming God for my irrational fear of losing Jeff, the worship song that was on suddenly became louder (not really, I just stopped talking), and the lyrics, “You’re never gonna let, never gonna let me down”…were being sung over and over again. It was a proclamation to God, saying, You will never let me down! You care! You love me!Instantly, I felt total peace. I started crying, but it wasn’t out of fear, it was out of relief. I knew with every fiber of my being that God, my God cared. That he had/has Jeff in the palm of His hands. He loves my husband, He loves me, He won’t let me down. No matter what happens in this world, He is my fortress, my shield, my security, my inner strength. God delivered me of fear. The Bible says, 2 Kings 17:39-“Rather, worship the Lord your God; it is He who will deliver you from the hand of all your enemies.” Fear was my enemy. But God saw me.Since that day, I haven’t had that same fear come back into my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with thoughts of losing Jeff, but when they come, they aren’t crippling me. I remember that the Lord will not let me down. I remember those words, and I proclaim them over my life. I also still pray because I’m a firm believer that you can never pray too much. God is always listening. And I still struggle with wanting Jeff to stay home, but that’s because I just love having him home! I’m not scared that he will be taken from me, because my God is bigger than any threat to me and my family.I want to encourage you, if you are struggling with insecurities, specifically fear, PRAY. Talk to God. Be real with Him…He isn’t so mighty that you can’t have a real conversation with Him. Don’t stop asking questions. Don’t give up. He loves YOU. He listens to your prayers. He wont let you down. Life can get crazy. There is a lot of evil in this world. When God created us, He gave us freewill…that means that he will not dictate your life. He wont control you, because He is a LOVING Father. He wants you to enjoy your life. He wants you to experience this beautiful world. With that freewill, that means that not everything will make sense. Sometimes people will choose evil over good. But He still loves you, He still cares for you, and He is still bigger than any enemy in your life. Psalm 91 is a freaking awesome chapter in the Bible, and it’s short so you should definitely read it…but I’ll leave you with this part: “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”-Psalm 91:1-2
I hope this encouraged you! If you ever need prayer for anything, please don’t hesitate to ask me. I will stop what I am doing and pray. And just remember that your inner strength is your faith and hope in God. That’s what makes you incredible, distinct, and powerful. You are amazing! Go conquer your insecurities! <3
If you’d like to hear the worship song that was on when I felt total peace, here it is: “King of my Heart“- Bethel Music